I am a sadist, first and foremost. If I had to stop being a Dominatrix I could. If I had to give up dominating men it would be very difficult but I could probably adjust to being "normal". However, I could not give up consensually physically hurting men.
I enjoy bossing people around. I love being worshipped, appreciated, and adored. It gives Me pleasure to have others do whatever I want when I want. I'm a Goddess. I'm a Woman. I'm in control. It's insanely hot and empowering. Having others obey Me because they trust, like and respect Me is one of life's greatest pleasures. I absolutely love being in charge but I could give it up if I had to.
When I (consensually) hurt someone it lights up My soul. My brain and body electrify. I get aroused in a way unequal to anything else. I get shivers throughout My body and become a primal creature. I want to bite, choke, smack, claw, pull hair and pinch. I want to use the heaviest, stingiest, and most brutal toys and implements at My disposal. I want to conquer. I need to conquer. My teeth grind. I develop a wicked grin. My eyes devour. My nails crave flesh. It's a need, not a desire.
I need it. I know that after I play/scene/session with a heavy masochist I get an unparalleled natural high. It relieves My stress and clears My head. I'm on cloud nine and at peace for days. With each sadistic movement stress and anger are removed from My body. I am cleansed of everything negative in My mind and body.
I know people who are terrified of themselves. Absolutely disgusted by these cravings within themselves. They are scared of themselves or what they might do. They believe that they are monsters and bad human beings. They hate this part of themself and bury the sadist within deep inside.
However, I'm happy and okay with the sadist within. I don't view Myself as a monster and if there is something wrong with Me this isn't the source of it. It's a part of Me that I cherish and appreciate. It's a vital part of what makes Me Me. It's My most helpful form of therapy. It's what makes Me happy. It's what turns Me on. It's hauntingly beautiful and authentically Me.
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